I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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