You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
