I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
