I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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