Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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