he looks like a really good dad on facebook
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
