I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
try to milk me bitch
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