What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
