I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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