you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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