dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
