dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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