I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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