So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
