Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
