fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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