I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
