tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
