This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
