What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
