It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
