so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
