I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
