Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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