I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
