Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If I die, sorry about rent.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
