I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
