You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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