I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
