If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
