It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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