Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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