I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
