It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
