My sheets look like a crime scene.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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