Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
