Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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