I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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