You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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