i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
