Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
