Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
