You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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