youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
