Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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