we have officially lost it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
