last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
