I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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