True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
