Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
